Stuck in a rut....or Haunted by the ghost of my father...

    I am not really sure how many people read this lil blog but sometimes it is therapeutic for me to write things out. My father passed away on June 12th of this year and his birthday is coming up August 15th. My plan is to have the Wonder Shovel back on the road by then and take it for a good long ride, as Bonz and I never really got to ride together. Now that his energy is all around, we ride together always but that is a different story.
    My original idea was to chronicle my work on the bike this month but work and booze have gotten in the way so far. I am gonna get the fender/sissy-bar straightened out today and will post pics as soon as my OL gets home, she has the digi cam. So this post is for me to get some things off my chest and out of my head.
     I am an only child and Bonz pretty much raised me alone. My mother and I have a solid relationship now but again another story for another time. To my father I was always 4 years old, always his lil knucklehead. In some ways that has hindered me. I think Rachael put it best when she said "you know when you're teaching a child to ride a bicycle and you finally let go of the bike and let them go on their own? I don't think Bonz ever really let go" So on the flip side of that coin, I am having a hard time letting go of him now.
     I have let family relationships hang in limbo because of my fear of confrontation and being emotionally drained. I haven't filed a death certificate or probated his will because I know then it is final. My father is dead and I don't really know how to fully be a man on my own. Thankfully I have a rad-ass OL that has been my rock throughout all of this but I know she has her doubts. She is concerned about me and sometimes feels left out because I internalize alot of things. That is something I need to work on. I am going to grief counseling starting this week.
     I think about Bonz everyday. I have almost called him a few times. I have wanted to hug him and wanted to ring his scrawny neck. If you ever met him, you know what I mean. I will always be my father's son, now I just have to figure out how to carry on without him.